the wonder of it

looking up at night
contemplating the stars,
the ribbon of the milky way

overwhelmed
by the magnitude
of mystery

there is a certain awe

thoughts fall quiet
and we enter into
the wonder of it all

yes, the stars are wondrous

yet is this moment not wondrous too?

are you not a mystery unto yourself?

is the world not a mystery of continually unfolding experiences?

a mystery that does not have to be solved,
that does not even have to make sense

the aliveness of quiet mystery so present

is this moment not grace expressing itself through you
and all around you?

not a sexy topic

disappointment
is not a sexy topic

yet it comes to visit

and wishing to be gracious hosts

let’s observe this dance of disappointment

which often begins with a flash of disorientation and doubt

when our expectations
meet new data
and the two don’t match

in this collision of new and old
so much is possible!

now, will this dance be experienced in the mind,
as an inner narration of “she said, he said”… 
as a story that lives in the maze of time

or will this dance be experienced
as a flow of feelings in the present moment
as waves of contraction and release

welcoming disappointment

in the groove

there is a groove in my mind
when it sees “the troubles in the world"

the mind thinks:
this is not how it should be!
this needs to be fixed!!
by myself, by others … 

when the mind is in this mode
a sternness ensues, a righteous indignation,
a hardening of the heart

preaching with an all-knowing voice
of how people should be different:
better, smarter, wiser, more tolerant …

maybe you know this groove too?

a sense of helplessness
and hopelessness can come next

it is not a pleasant journey from
perception, to righteousness, to preaching, to hopelessness …

it’s a kind of acid reflux of the mind

yet luckily this too shall pass
it has its say … it exhausts itself

and then there is a pause

when the mind remembers its shared humanity
when the previously intolerable actions of “others”

can be seen through a fresh lens
when all has a place under the sun

and the need to fix people
melts into wishing to connect from the heart

when the outcome is no longer up to me, or others,
but a living unfolding expressing itself

wishing to be seen

well hello!
what shall we explore together today?

what will rise to the top of our attention?

pausing … in open waiting… listening to the sparks

smiling … how wonderful … this quiet
when all is possible …

when no thought dominates the mind,
when the mind is quietly listening to itself,
smiling to itself … content…

to live in this pause and welcome whatever arises

maybe a sad memory … wishing to be seen,
wishing to be held in the heart

maybe a fiery, urgent self-righteous thought
wishing to be seen, wishing to be held in the heart tenderly

maybe a spark of doubt, maybe of fear, maybe of joy …
making themselves known,
all wishing to be seen by our heart lovingly

pausing … waiting … quietly
welcoming the next spark

peaceful in the presence of what is

well hello!
how was your week?

something usually comes to mind,
a memory makes itself known…

this friendly question can launch us
straight into rummaging in the so called past

let me apologize
let’s reboot and start fresh instead

what is alive in you right now?

what happens when this question is met?

do you feel yourself turning inward,
noticing sensations of body-mind?

now instead of focusing on memory and thought,
focus is drawn to present sensations

what happens in me when
paying attention to what is alive
is the awareness of how quickly sensations change

quicker than the thought:
“there is an itch on my shoulder”
the itch has altered

thought comes after sensation
words can’t convey the fullness of experience

when my mind sees this
it falls quiet

wishing to stay with what is
words disappear

stillness
peaceful in the presence of what is

grace willing

with mindfulness come certain insights overtime…

there is: wow, there is a whole inner world to explore!
and a sense of discovery and joy

then comes noticing how difficult it is for the mind to stay present…
how attention shifts quickly to thinking, becoming a thinker, rather than simply observing

what can follow next, is a time of mind trying to control thinking, trying to keep the mind still by the power of will …

and with the exertion of will, of striving to control thoughts comes a parade of emotions, frustration, pride - an endless coming and going

realizing that every experience flows and changes constantly
is a sweet spot for the mind to ponder and it takes time to acclimatize to impermanence and uncertainty

glimpses appear - of the space between thoughts - when the mind falls quiet and the presence of peace shines through the fog of thought in these moments

yet thought-driven striving continues, seeking to be better… trying to change self, other people, the world… and suffering continues

through luck or grace, a realization comes that thought creates suffering…
that it is not the world, nor other people that create suffering, but the mindset through which all experience is filtered

what a sweet realization, discovering that all suffering is based in the mind!
and the folly that follows can be that the mind then doubles down and tries really, really hard to understand and fix itself to end all unpleasant experiences, all suffering

quietly, alongside all this, there can be a tender noticing … how insights seem to appear “right on time”, with gentleness and care, a mysterious loving support

another point along the way is the dawning that I am not in control of which thought will arise next, of what emotion will come to visit, how big it will be, how long it will stay…

that is a game changer!

yet insight and realization does not mean that old mind patterns no longer have momentum, they still show up, they still play out  … a living momentum that moves in its own way

another innocent folly:
noticing how the mind tries to hold on to the insights it has had, to make them permanent and the innocent folly and futility of that

there is flow, the impermanence of all experience,
and there is the ever present stillness that was first glimpsed between thoughts, - that shines through all experience, underlying and suffusing all experience.
the vast ocean of stillness, of being.

well, this is getting long..
more next time, grace willing…

beneath the whirlwinds

every day brings joys and challenges,

whirlwinds of sensory impressions, emotions and thoughts
in an endlessly grand and varied parade

yet all of these comings and goings
are known in awareness

the closer than close, intimate,
impersonal and infinite ever present Self

gratitude for knowing that beneath the whirlwinds
peace is ever-present

into stillness

what seems to be causing a lot of our suffering
is the habit of identifying with thoughts and mind-stories


asking: what is alive in you right now?
helps bring us back to being present


notice what happens when asking:
what sensations are alive in the body now?
simply listening to what arises


asking: what feelings can be felt in the body?
noticing what bubbles up
witnessing, wordlessly, what is


asking: are thoughts arising? any stories being told by the inner narrator?
listening, unattached, to the flow
purely witnessing what is


shifting from commentary to witnessing
from noise to stillness

thankful

is there anything

anything at all

that it would be impossible

to be thankful for?



is gratitude not

like beauty

in the eye of the beholder?



does this moment,

that contains the whole world,

not shine in beauty

when the mind falls quiet

and the heart opens

in thankfulness

freedom - a jungle story

each morning while camping in a Jamaican jungle
we would make a cooking fire

now we were camped near an isolated path
only a handful of men would walk by during the day
and one by one, they would stop by for a visit

after exchanging friendly greetings with our first guest
we would be informed that our fire wasn’t build right
and quickly his helpful hands would rearrange it

a little while later a second man would visit
and again after pleasantries were exchanged
our fire would be found wanting
and would helpfully be rearranged

this would repeat morning after morning
helpful men visiting, rearranging the fire,
each certain their way was better
than what they found

who knows why it happened?
freedom is not to be bound by the mind’s whims 

maybe it was a generous gift of jungle knowledge
given by those who had little else to give

maybe it was an excuse to visit longer
to share in each others company and stories

maybe it was a sign of dominance

maybe it was a well-orchestrated joke
played on the campers

maybe, maybe, maybe …

wider than the sky

what’s at the door

making itself known

banging loudly or shyly

asking to be seen

wishing to be welcomed


so many guests

a constant coming and going


maybe you don’t feel hospitable

or wish to screen the visitors

thinking this one is better than that one


the door of the mind can be narrow

the door of the heart, harder to remember,

is wider than the sky

happily ever after

when observing
the beliefs of our mind
curious features emerge

thoughts and words:
“i believe in ….” or “i believe that …”
are often uttered without much reflection

notice how the mind has an enormous capacity for believing

and where the line between belief and truth
can become indistinguishable

the belief of right, the belief of wrong,
the belief of possible and impossible

belief becomes a lens our experiences are perceived through

now let’s jump to a belief that can come as a surprise

when seeking on the spiritual path
there can be a subtle belief
that expects that there will be

a transcendent experience
one big event
the “spiritual goal line”

that when crossed
bliss will follow ever afterwards

this “happily ever after” belief
can cause much mind-inflicted restlessness
keeping peace just out of reach

has the mind unwittingly, innocently adopted this belief?

flowing with the river

sitting comfortably

gently breathing in, gently breathing out

asking: what is alive in me right now?

shifting attention to the body

becoming aware of sensations

listening quietly, patiently

simply noticing what arises


repeating the question:

what is alive in me right now?

listening deeply, neutrally

to the sensations and feelings that arise

to the aliveness of this moment

a far reaching ponder

has this happened to you…
you find yourself in a situation
were someone is venting their grievances about you

listening to their words your mind gets flustered, defensive, hurt

your inner narration goes something like:
this is not true, they are wrong, they are egotistical, they are behaving badly, their views are petty, stupid…

when, suddenly, you become aware of your judgements of the other person

an unexpected, bright flash of insight
a perception that can greatly alter the flow of conversation

now here is the ponder:

it is not about having better conflict resolution skills
it is not about fixing our mind or behavior

it is simply this:
were you in control of the arrival of this insight?

did you cause it, or will it to be?
or did it just arrive,
by luck, by grace?

do you have agency over it?
could you have controlled its timing?

do you have agency over the arrival of the judgements in your mind?

a far reaching ponder,
which may be useful before the mind’s usual route
into self improvement, or fixing itself