with mindfulness come certain insights overtime…
there is: wow, there is a whole inner world to explore!
and a sense of discovery and joy
then comes noticing how difficult it is for the mind to stay present…
how attention shifts quickly to thinking, becoming a thinker, rather than simply observing
what can follow next, is a time of mind trying to control thinking, trying to keep the mind still by the power of will …
and with the exertion of will, of striving to control thoughts comes a parade of emotions, frustration, pride - an endless coming and going
realizing that every experience flows and changes constantly
is a sweet spot for the mind to ponder and it takes time to acclimatize to impermanence and uncertainty
glimpses appear - of the space between thoughts - when the mind falls quiet and the presence of peace shines through the fog of thought in these moments
yet thought-driven striving continues, seeking to be better… trying to change self, other people, the world… and suffering continues
through luck or grace, a realization comes that thought creates suffering…
that it is not the world, nor other people that create suffering, but the mindset through which all experience is filtered
what a sweet realization, discovering that all suffering is based in the mind!
and the folly that follows can be that the mind then doubles down and tries really, really hard to understand and fix itself to end all unpleasant experiences, all suffering
quietly, alongside all this, there can be a tender noticing … how insights seem to appear “right on time”, with gentleness and care, a mysterious loving support
another point along the way is the dawning that I am not in control of which thought will arise next, of what emotion will come to visit, how big it will be, how long it will stay…
that is a game changer!
yet insight and realization does not mean that old mind patterns no longer have momentum, they still show up, they still play out … a living momentum that moves in its own way
another innocent folly:
noticing how the mind tries to hold on to the insights it has had, to make them permanent and the innocent folly and futility of that
there is flow, the impermanence of all experience,
and there is the ever present stillness that was first glimpsed between thoughts, - that shines through all experience, underlying and suffusing all experience.
the vast ocean of stillness, of being.
well, this is getting long..
more next time, grace willing…